Hey man sorry I got all grabby
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize