So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
