Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
