I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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