Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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