you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
