i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
