Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
