Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
