I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize