i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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