I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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