I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
