I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
