im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
