Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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