Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Four minutes until I can fart!
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You ate ashes out of my bong
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
