I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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