My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
