I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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