i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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