Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
