sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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