i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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