I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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