Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
