Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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