On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
