I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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