The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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