My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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