ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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