I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
