U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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