I showed him my bush... on skype.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
