Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
