Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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