Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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