Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Randomize
