i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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