when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
