I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
