The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
