i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
