i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
