Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
