Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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