she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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