i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
