How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
When are your genitals available?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
