Someone shit on the floor
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It's just like the Real World with babies
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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