She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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