There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Who did Billy Mays play for?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
