Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
