Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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