i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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