Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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