I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
you never un-have a 4some
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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