By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Enjoy the penises
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
