Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
