so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
this beer tastes like vomit already
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Dick very happy bro
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
