I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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