I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
