I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
