Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize